Getting married is a fairytale experience, and your wedding will likely be the happiest day of your life. But after that’s over and done with, married couples have to return to the normal, and the mundane. Making a marriage work is no piece of cake, and not everything is going to be perfect just because you put a ring on it.
In fact, a 2012 academic study, “Examining the Relationship Between Financial Issues and Divorce,” published in the Family Relations Journal (v. 61, No. 4, Oct. 2012), assessed 4,574 couples as part of the U.S.-based “National Survey of Families and Households”. This study found that when predicting whether a marriage would end in divorce, financial disagreements were the main indicator that something was likely to go wrong.
So, how do you make sure that the stresses of work, bills, and finances don’t take over your marriage? Taking some time with your fiancé to discuss the ins and outs of your finances can save a lot of issues in the long run. Gauging your financial compatibility as a couple before you marry, or even how to work around the ways you are less compatible, is a smart move to set you up for an abundant future.
Money Makes the World Go Round…
Often, as a new relationship blossoms, finances are the last thing on our minds. But, marriage is a whole different story, and if you’ve decided to build a life together with your partner, money is a key player. Before we dive into what to talk about when it comes to your financial compatibility, here are some general tips when talking about money with your partner.
- Be Honest - Anything you try to hide now, will no doubt come to light once you’ve tied the knot anyway. So, if you have financial issues your partner may not know about, just tell them. It’s far better to be on the same page and be prepared to tackle problems together. Plus, it saves a lot of shouting later.
- Be Practical - Though leading with love when it comes to our partners is paramount in almost every other situation, when it comes to finances it’s beneficial to approach the subject as colleagues rather than lovers. Not only does this lead to maturity and conversation and tackling issues as a team, but it also keeps money troubles from seeping into the pure romance of getting married.
- Be Optimistic - Even if your partner’s financial attitude makes you see them in a new light, it’s helpful to remember that while it may seem like everything, money is not the most important thing in a marriage. Looking toward a bright and successful future together can help when drawing up workable financial plans, which will allow the two of you to focus on the bits of your marriage that you love.
Sometimes, having the first frank conversation about your finances can be a little bit of a daunting prospect. If you’ve never had to introduce something quite so serious in your relationship, it can throw the exciting atmosphere off a little bit. However, once you overcome that initial strain and start talking about money together, it’ll be so much easier to be completely candid with your partner and have healthy discussions in times of potential financial turmoil.
Having the Money Talk
So, now you know how to have fruitful conversations when discussing money in the run-up to your marriage, what exactly do you talk about? Financial conversations can cover everything from potential pre-nuptial agreements to how much you spent on dinner last night. But starting financial discussions with the right topics is the first step to gauging your financial compatibility as a married couple.
- What are you earning, and what do you owe?
The first question is a broad one, and you may well already know the answer if you are in a long-term relationship. Or, what you each owe might be a private topic in your relationship but knowing about your partner’s loans and vice versa is important. After all, the money may not be coming out of your personal account, but when you’re married to someone, their outgoings will become yours.
Working out the amount that you and your partner earn, and what you will collectively owe will help you get a gauge of what your general financial situation will be when you marry. From this, you’ll just about know your collective monthly income and outgoings and have a roundabout idea of how much money you’ll have to spend or save each month. This will help with figuring out future plans for after your wedding, such as how long you’ll need to wait, and how much you’ll need to save, before purchasing a house or having children.
- What’s your attitude toward money?
Again, chances are if you and your fiancé have been together for a while, you’ll already know what their spending and saving habits are like. However, discussing these things can help bring general behaviors to your own and your partner’s attention. This can also include things like your partner’s readiness to ‘lend’ money to their friends and family.
You don’t need to radically alter your own, or your partner’s attitudes toward money to make it work. But you do need to be accepting of each other’s viewpoints. However, this question can potentially be the most telling, and if your partner is a big spender, while frugality gives you peace of mind, you may not be as financially compatible as you think.
- What are you working towards?
This is a great time to discuss what you are both working toward when it comes to finances, and whether your ambitions align. Of course, as above, your ambitions don’t need to be the same. But, if they don’t harmonize with each other, you need to be prepared to overcome the challenges that appear because of your differing goals.
What you are working toward can be things such as your individual career plans, and whether those plans are set in stone, or are a little less of a priority. As well as this, whether you are planning for a big purchase such as a house or want to start saving to support yourself through retirement, are good things to discuss with your fiancé before you marry.
- How will you come together?
Unlike the other points, you probably do need to agree on this one for the financial side of your marriage to be successful. How you will come together financially involves the big question of whether you are going to merge your finances and your earnings, or not. This can be done with a joint bank account, but don’t forget, having a joint bank account with your partner doesn’t mean you can’t still maintain a personal bank account. What it does mean, is you’ll both need to agree on how much you pay into your joint bank account, and when, as well as what kinds of purchases you are both willing to make on each account.
However, how you will merge your finances doesn’t just apply to the money you have now and will earn in the future. Coming together financially includes deciding what to do with all the assets that you both currently own. This is sometimes a tricky question, because it involves planning for the event that you might divorce in the future, and no one wants to discuss that prospect with their fiancé. Therefore, the most common, and perhaps the easiest way to split assets, is for everything purchased before your marriage to stick with the person who bought it, and everything purchased after your marriage to be jointly owned.
- What are your hard and fast rules?
Finally, while being open to your partner's finances and accepting of their attitude toward money is important, you may also like to set up some boundaries when it comes to finances in your marriage. Of course, establishing boundaries is important in many aspects of a marriage, and finances are no different. You may want to think as individuals about what it is you require when it comes to money in a marriage.
These boundaries can be things such as talking to each other before making any large purchases, even if it’s done with personal finances. Perhaps trial runs any rules in the run-up to your marriage, to find out how well they work, and whether your partner takes them seriously. After all, if someone can betray your trust when it comes to money, they might have an easier time betraying your trust when it comes to love. Having said that, if you and your fiancé are more private people or don’t find finances to be something that stresses you out, you may not want to have any hard and fast rules, and that’s more than ok.
I Don’t Want Your Money Honey, I Want Your Love
The bottom line is that, while money isn’t everything when it comes to making a marriage successful, it can nevertheless have a huge impact. Being frank and open with your partner about financial issues before you get married, will help this healthy discussion become a part of your ongoing marriage. When you’re both on the same page and working toward the same financial goals, you and your future partner will be much less likely to stress and argue about these things. Gauging your financial compatibility will help you remove what could have been a major strain on your marriage.
Sources:
https://thriveglobal.in/stories/10-money-questions-to-ask-before-tying-the-knot/
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